The rapturous beauty of the Costa Ballena often inspires tourists to create romantic notions of life here. “Oh! My! God! …. It’s so amazingly beautiful”, they ecstatically exclaim. “We’d be totally happy if we lived here. We MUST move here!!”

Some visitors actually make the leap from vacation dreams to life in Costa Rica. And some are happier here than in their old lives. But some, facing the realities of this major life change, feel it was a big mistake and quickly return to the home they tried to escape-never finding the happiness they desired.

Others, unable to return for various reasons, tough it out, wondering “Why am I so deeply unhappy here? It IS fabulously beautiful here. It IS a daily feast for the eyes, BUT….” And give up trying.

Yet others dedicate themselves to finding the happiness that has eluded them

Do you know anyone like this? Have you felt any of this yourself?

We all seek to improve the quality of our lives and increase our happiness. It’s in our nature to nurture our well being and that of loved ones. But not every attempt pays off. Why not?

Why doesn’t a move to “paradise” automatically result in more happiness? What does reliably lead to greater well-being?

Does anyone know?

Yes! Research has identified what’s necessary for happiness. And when those elements are missing from our lives, no amount of physical beauty, no awesome view can make up for what’s absent. Think of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden….

We can better understand such unhappiness by looking at this problem from two directions: what’s LOST by coming here and what we EXPECTED to gain-but didn’t. For every positive change we make, we must leave something behind-or it wouldn’t be a change!

The Dream

The Southern Zone of Costa Rica, is indeed beyond beautiful. Everywhere we turn, it seems, there’s some astounding vista, some fascinating creature, some special moment. Aside from a few man-made examples, most of us would be hard pressed to think of any natural ugliness here.

While North America has more than it’s share of beauty, it’s also the home of barren lands, bleak, frigid weather, and cities that go on forever. The Zona Sur is blessedly free of such “amenities”.

And the “Whale Coast” section of the SoZo is the home of many of Costa Rica’s best natural wonders. It’s the country’s only marine park-the mating spot of humpback whales and frolicking dolphins. Brown pelicans skim the surf. Magnificent frigates (a well-deserved description, and their name) soar effortlessly on two-level wings. Blue-footed boobys sound like some dumb, clumsy bird. But they are able to catch and pass speeding boats-with a few easy flaps of their huge wings.

Glorious forest birds, like the multi-colored macaws, parrots, and jeweled hummers are “common”.. Impossibly engineered toucans dart through the skies or agilely climb trees, unimpeded by their huge, colorful banana beaks. And who could forget-those mouthy, bandit-masked great kiskadees?

Miles of beaches, many of which are better than our most elaborate fantasy, are often blessedly free of crowds or even people. Occasionally, we share those beaches with giant, nesting sea turtles.

Inland from the Pacific lies the green ocean of trees where monkeys, sloths, and pointy-nosed coatis inhabit the branches.

Insects, certainly the most common form of animal life here next to birds, can sometimes rival the most lovely of those feathered fliers. Do you ever tire of the dazzlingly luminescent blue-morph butterfly??

Life is so abundant that some trees are covered with harmless vines, ferns, and orchids.

Life goes wild here in the perfect conditions for it: plentiful sun and rainfall.

Life flourishes here. Life thrives here.

So why wouldn’t we??

The Reality

Real estate agents encourage the dream. Shamelessly announcing that they “sell paradise”. The message is clear: “you too can realize the dream”, while unintentionally revealing that the commercialism the dreamers hope to escape has beat them here. And unintentionally revealing that paradise is not, after all, perfect. Everything is for sale. But such marketing persists because WE want to believe it.

For some of us, “perfect” is the problem.

Some expect life here will indeed be “perfect”, effortless, automatically meeting our every need. The sun will shine whenever we need it. The rains will never interfere with our plans. And the boring, mundane necessities of life-faced by prince and pauper-will never intrude.

As during vacations, someone else will make our bed and meals and clean up after us.

Somewhere in our unconscious, we have expected that we only need to make ONE change-move to Costa Rica, and everything else will be easy. Our more fundamental delusion, thinking like realtors, is that happiness is simply a matter of “location, location, location!!” Choose the right place and happiness is ours!!

But in daring to move to Costa Rica, we may have denied the many other changes necessary to thrive here. Espanol, anyone?

The Buddhists say “life is suffering”. It’s inescapable, unavoidable. Regardless of how awesome our geographical location.

By suffering, they mean not only physical pain, but mainly the EMOTIONAL pain of disappointment, the pain of things falling short of our needs and expectations.

The Buddha has been called “the first psychologist” with good reason. He dedicated himself to understanding and alleviating suffering. Because he saw suffering everywhere.

AND, fortunately, the Buddhists also say “happiness is STILL possible”.

How?

The Solution

By realizing that the source of suffering is located in our minds, in our expectations that the WORLD be made to suit us.. We suffer when we are disappointed, frustrated with the realities of life. (Does Obama look like he enjoys the realities of being president?) We suffer when we are upset, angry, and depressed that things are NOT going “our way”.

The real location of unhappiness, then, is in our heads. In our mindset about how things are “supposed” to be. When reality falls short, we feel “cheated, ripped off, – this ISN’T right! This ISN’T the way it was SUPPOSED to be,” we protest!!

But WHO said “move to Costa Rica, and life will be perfect” ?? Did the ocean, the jungle, the birds and monkeys promise that?

But, you say, “I never expected perfection”. Yes. Also true that you expected MUCH more than any place could deliver. And, by doing so, set yourself up for disappointment.

Do we ever say, “That sunset would be better if it was just a little more to the right and a bit more pink “??? No! We accept it as it is and delight in its beauty. But do we treat Costa Rica with the same respectful acceptance?

Now consider our attitude toward rain: “More damn rain. Rain, rain go away….” Our unhappiness comes from our attitude about what’s “supposed to be.”

For example, “Today it was SUPPOSED to be sunny not rainy.”
But IF ON TOP of a longer wait, we pile on OUR THOUGHTS of “He thinks I’m a nobody, a nothing, etc.”, we feel hurt, insulted and ruin the rest of our day.

If instead, we THINK, “He’s rude. But his rudeness does NOT speak TRUTH about MY WORTH”, we wait longer AND rescue our day from ruin. We accept the delay and don’t make it personal.

Now back to living in Costa Rica. HOW does all this help with that? We can usually deal with small setbacks like in the grocery store. HOW do we deal with the BIG disappointment that Costa Rica is not all we expected, hoped for??.

By NOT taking it personally!!

The Costa Ballena IS magnificent AND difficult to live in: the rains are hard and long. The roads are rough. Trees fall, knocking out electricity. Tico ways don’t always make sense. Things are more expensive than we thought. Getting a car fixed is a nightmare. And….What did I leave out? Ants? Tarantulas? Snakes? Crooked contractors?

If on top of those REALITIES (Buddhism does NOT deny the reality suffering), we add “And all this MEANS it was a mistake coming here. I’m an idiot. I’m not meant to be happy. Life will always be miserable”, we guarantee ourselves one thing: misery!!

INSTEAD, if we think: “Yes! All this IS a pain… It’s NOT what I hoped for. But it IS what I have to cope with. And it DOES NOT mean I will never be happy here. It means I haven’t learned to cope with these realities YET! And I CAN be happy if I put them in perspective. EVERYONE suffers-it’s not just me. (Look at Obama.) NO ONE gets EVERYTHING they want and need. But I can be GRATEFUL for what Costa Rica HAS given me AND realize

I CAN control my REACTIONS to the realities here.”

I can’t control the rain or the jerks. But I CAN CHOOSE to NOT to let this defeat me and ruin my life.

In summary, we are unhappy when we have unrealistic expectations of life and we take setbacks as saying something true about us, take them personally.

We are happy when we THRIVE. And we THRIVE when we accept our limits, life’s limits. And make the best of the realities we face-including CHOOSING how we react.

It’s simple: Accept reality. Don’t make it worse with negative reactions. make the best of what IS satisfying.

This time we focused on REMOVING problematic expectations that create unhappiness.

Next time: we’ll look at what we might need to ADD to make our lives happier. What we LOST by leaving our old lives.

I’d be happy to hear your reactions-including disagreements- to these hard won insights on my road to happiness in Costa Rica. Also let me know about your ideas for future columns. I won’t be able to respond to individual inquiries. But I will include as many of your concerns as possible in upcoming columns.

You can contact me by email here.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and enlarged his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

If you have ever dreamed of living in a place that’s as close to a tropical paradise as you can find and would like to know more about real estate for sale in the Southern Zone of Costa Rica please contact our Recommended Costa Rica Realtors Daveed Hollander, John Wieland and James Drews by using the simple form below: